


i'll see you in your laughter lines

by dialecstatic



Series: whatever a sun will always sing is you [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Issues, Introspection, Nonbinary Character, Other, Self-Discovery, Slice of Life, agender!doyoung, i SWEAR its not that angsty, i am: soft, i have geniunely uhhh no idea what this is, inspired by jaehyun's poetic beauty pics, johnny is The Worst (tm), sex mention for like 0.5 lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 18:04:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14502546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: jaehyun isn't sure who he is quite yet, and that's ok. there are other certainties in his life that keep him going forward.





	i'll see you in your laughter lines

**Author's Note:**

> title from "laughter lines" by bastille

Jaehyun isn’t quite sure who he is.

 

It’s a strange feeling of doubt, cloudy thoughts about his own self that creep up sometimes in the middle of the day, in the dead of night, when he least expects them. Everyone arounds him always seems so sure, somehow, of who they are, unapologetic and vibrant, and Jaehyun is just smoke in the mirror of his bedroom.

 

The word “boy” never feels quite right, for reasons he can’t pinpoint but that tug uncomfortably at his nerves when he sees it. He tries it, over and over again, but there’s a false, empty ring to it, like a pair of shoes that’s a half a size too small, or a missing piece in a stained glass window. He’s pretty sure he should accept it as it is, just a convenient label, but the weight of it is unbearable sometimes, expectations rising and rising until Jaehyun feels like he’s drowning.

 

He gets lost in daydreams, hands phasing in and out of view, his own image like a reflection on water. He steals looks at strangers on the street, wonders if any of them feels the way he does. If they feel like nothing is right for them, like they’re just floating aimlessly, looking for some meaning to their existence.

 

Jaehyun remembers the first time he’d asked to be called that, a step in the right direction, he supposes. He’d picked it out of some novel he read, the fleeting happiness of the words settling between his ribs like something that was always meant to be there. It feels softer, kinder somehow, something he’d want to sign on his photographs when he gets his own exhibition, something he’d like to hear from the lips of someone he loves.

  
___  


“Do you think I’m normal?” he asks Doyoung one day, snuggled up to his partner while they try, desperately, to go over their notes.

 

Doyoung sighs, not looking up from the papers strewn across the floor, but still absentmindedly playing with Jaehyun’s hair.

 

“I don’t think there’s such thing as ‘normal’.”

 

Jaehyun huffs out a small laugh, amused at how typical this is of Doyoung. They’ve never concerned themself with anything akin to “normalcy” as they’d been taught, preferring to dissect and dismantle it instead. Jaehyun is grateful, most of the time, for their practical mind.

 

“And even if there was,” Doyoung continues, picking out a few papers and straightening them up. “Why would you want to be?”

 

He guesses that’s fair. He’d always been afraid of being ordinary, falling into a routine he can’t get out of fueled by nothing but the dull desire to get by. Jaehyun knows, deep in his heart, that he’ll never be content with just getting by.

 

“I just wish I was as sure of myself as you all are.” Jaehyun mumbles, sitting up to rest his chin on Doyoung’s shoulder, an arm snaking around their waist. “Sometimes I kinda feel like I don’t exist.”

 

Doyoung drops their notes entirely at that, and Jaehyun can see them biting their cheek the way they always do when they’re deep in thought. Their hand finds Jaehyun’s where it’s resting near their hip and squeezes, turning their head to try and look at him, eyes briefly meeting.

 

“You do exist. You’re here with me, aren’t you?”

 

Jaehyun snorts and leans back until his shoulders hit the bed, leaving space for Doyoung to turn around and face him. They’re beautiful in all the ways Jaehyun thinks he isn’t, confident and brave to a fault.

 

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

 

“I know.”

 

When Doyoung looks at him like they’re doing now, their eyes boring into his soul, Jaehyun feels like something has pinned him to the earth, something warm and heavy in his chest. He’s not one to define himself through other people, but Jaehyun would be lying if he said being with Doyoung isn’t one of the few things that make him feel complete.

 

“I don’t have all the answers, Jae. I wish I did, all the time, but… Everyone’s different, yeah?”

 

Doyoung offers their hands, and Jaehyun takes them without wasting a second.

 

“I know it’s hard to not worry about these things. But I promise it’ll come to you, in due time. And when it does - whatever it is. You’ll know.”

 

Due time, Jaehyun hopes, is sooner than later. In the now, though, he pulls Doyoung forward, making them tumble into his lap with an unflattering squeal.

 

“Hey, I still have to study!” they protest, half-laughing anyway when Jaehyun presses a kiss to their neck.

 

“How about taking a break from theory and switching to practice?”

 

“You’ll be the death of me, I swear to-”

 

Doyoung doesn’t have time to finish before Jaehyun seals their words with a kiss.

  
  


Every Friday at seven, when the last classes of the week are over and everyone is sufficiently exhausted, slouching in the worn-out leather seats of their favorite café - Johnny had discovered the place in his first year and gradually dragged every new recruit into the group there - Taeil always brings their guitar. Being the most faithful and regular customers has its perks, and one of them is being allowed by the staff to hog the most comfortable corner of the room and use it as their own personal stage. The other customers never mind, though, because as Johnny says, no matter how many times Ten whacks him over the head for being too cheesy, that is usually when the magic happens.

 

Jaehyun has always loved singing, since he was a little kid and more sure of everything than he is now. That’s one of the things that hasn’t changed, and he takes every chance he gets to sing with Doyoung and Taeil, reveling in the warm, comfortable quiet their friends fall into, in how Taeil sways a little as they play, in how Doyoung always seems to find Jaehyun’s hands and his gaze and sing only to him.

 

Today is no different.

 

Taeil still sounds amazing, Yukhei is nearly drooling on himself as he watches them, Mark is  enthusiastically clicking his fingers to the beat, Sicheng is half-seated in Yuta’s lap, their arms secure around her waist. Kun is filming the whole thing, Ten is shimmying in his seat, Taeyong stifling a laugh as they join in, and Johnny, true to tradition even in his own silly way, still acts out a radio show between songs, voice low and smooth, almost making Jungwoo - and by cause and effect, all of them - burst out laughing before the song is truly over.

 

Jaehyun hides his face in his sleeve, pretending to not see Ten pinching Johnny’s ear so he can plead Switzerland in their inevitable upcoming melodrama - never serious, but always a turmoil for everyone involved.

 

The words and laughter blur together around him, like he’s in the eye of the storm.

 

This is one of the things Jaehyun wouldn’t trade for the world, that remind him life is good, and can be kind, and that he’s alive to experience it.

  
  
  
  


That Saturday, like many Saturdays before, he wakes up in Doyoung’s bed.

 

Sneaking around the dorms can be tricky and dangerous, but they make it work, and the risk is always worth it on the nights when they fall in together, and when Jaehyun can lose himself between Doyoung’s legs, make them sing a different kind of song. It’s worth it on the nights when Doyoung has to study and Jaehyun pretends he has “portraits” as an assignment for his photography class, capturing every angle of Doyoung he can reach (and there’s no bad one, as far as Jaehyun is concerned), even as they try to swat the camera away. It’s worth it when they just lie there, when Doyoung lets Jaehyun rest his head on their chest and listen to the slow, steady beating of their heart, and they both fall asleep with only the moon as their witness.

 

It’s worth it, most of all, when Jaehyun opens his eyes and sees Doyoung’s shoulders, the faint rise and fall a steady reminder that this is real, this is something Jaehyun can hold on to. He runs a finger across Doyoung’s spine until it disappears under the comforter, feeling the soft skin and the slight raise of the bones, a certitude in its own way.

 

Doyoung shivers awake under his touch, rolling over onto their back as their hand easily finds its way to Jaehyun’s hair. They don’t bother trying to rub the sleep out of their eyes, their gaze caught up in Jaehyun’s, the earth unmoving.

 

“Good morning.”

 

“It always is.” Jaehyun replies, and he dodges a playful slap, grabbing Doyoung by the waist and pulling them closer.

 

“You got anything to work on today?”

 

He knows what answer he wants to hear.

 

“Maybe.” Doyoung pauses, hooking their leg with Jaehyun’s when he gives them a dejected look. “Definitely.”

 

__

 

Jaehyun gets his first camera from his grandparents at fourteen, and it never leaves his side from that day. He captures everything he sees, from flowers to weird buildings, the shadows of crowds on the concrete in summer, sunsets from his teenage bedroom window.

 

He sees the world through new eyes, then, the scary inconsistency of life stilled for a moment that he can keep in his pocket. He takes pictures of his friends now, the walls of his dorm room covered in their essence. A snapshot from their beach holiday, Taeil painted in light. Ten’s back as he walks into a protest, fearless and unbeaten. A close-up of Sicheng’s hands while they sew, nimble fingers crafting their identity. They’re here when he wakes up and looks up, a reminder that he belongs somewhere.

 

At age seventeen, he takes his first self-portrait, after testing angles and techniques on his family. It’s over-exposed and a little out of focus - oddly fitting, in hindsight - but it feels like a new page, seeing himself through an unbiased lens. On days when it hurts to look at himself in the mirror, he sets up his camera instead, hopes that daylight will find its way through him and show him what he’s looking for. Results vary, but he keeps all of them.

  
  


That Friday, Jaehyun runs with all his might to the café, almost toppling someone over, blubbering excuses as he holds his bag to his chest and hurries on his way. The door swings open to cheers, the clock on the wall barely past seven, and yet everyone looks incredibly relieved, Doyoung immediately shifting on the couch to make room for him.

 

“Where were you at this hour?!” Johnny exclaims, dabbing at his dry eyes with a napkin.

 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes at him, dropping his bag on the floor before settling against Doyoung’s side, pressing a kiss to their cheek for good measure.

 

“Well you look happy today,” Mark points out when Jaehyun can’t contain the smile that spreads across his face. “What’s the good news?”

 

“So, the reason I was late, actually,” Jaehyun starts, wringing his hands in his lap. He can barely sit still, needs to let out the high of energy that’s coursing through him. Doyoung notices and stills his hands with theirs, letting Jaehyun hold on to them.

 

“My professor wanted to talk to me after class. My, erm… One of my pictures-- One of my self-portraits got chosen for our department’s exhibit next month.”

  
He tries to drop the news as matter of factly as possible, ignoring his own urge to yell it from the nearest bar stool. A slow rumble courses through the entire group, Taeyong’s eyes nearly popping out of their head, Ten’s face lighting up as he and Kun grab each other’s arms in surprise. In his lap, Jaehyun feels Doyoung’s hands holding his a little tighter.

 

“That… is amazing.” Johnny finally says, and all hell breaks loose.

 

Suddenly everyone is talking over each other, a storm of congratulations and compliments, and Jaehyun can barely make out any actual words being said, but his heart grows wild just the same. He nearly gets choked to death by Yukhei and Jungwoo trying to hug him at the same time, and they almost topple over the table, and still everyone laughs and cheers, giving him a round of applause.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” Doyoung whispers against Jaehyun’s neck during the commotion. “This is a huge step.”

 

They kiss, soft and chaste, and Jaehyun wishes there was a way to capture this kind of feeling like a photograph. For now he’ll have to do with the lingering presence of Doyoung’s lips on his, their warmth at his side. For now, it’s enough.

  
  
  
  


Jaehyun isn’t quite sure who he is, and that’s okay. Days pass, and they’re never the same, but small certainties string them together into life and help Jaehyun makes sense of it all.  He’ll get there someday, a view of the future clear as a Saturday morning, and his own hands to build it.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm slowly continuing to introduce everyone ... jaehyun's a good person 
> 
> many thanks again to everyone who's read, left kudos & commented on this series, it truly means the world & i get in my damn uwus everytime
> 
> thank you as usual to dylan, bru & ricki, idk what i'd be doing without y'all
> 
> im on [twitter](http://twitter.com/diaminghao) if you wanna give me a shout!


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